Eventually I gave up and ordered the Orbit Basic Turntable, a new school record player from U-Turn Audio.
I found a great online marketplace for used vinyl, Discogs, from which Kathryn and I ordered a few to get us started. We picked favorites, but also carted some must-haves according to Google.
Admittedly I don't know much about Pink Floyd or Led Zeppelin. While I take them for a spin, square up with me and cue up some Keith Whitley.